somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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