Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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