i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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