Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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