Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
