I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
