I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
