Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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