Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
