I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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