that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize