You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
