Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
