Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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