I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
