We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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