So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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