While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
