Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
