Jerry, you need to find god
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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