Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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