Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
