i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
not ubering you a puppy
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
