It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
FUCK WHALES
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
