She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
