took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
