So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
