I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
