Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
