party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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