The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
