she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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