My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
