How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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