wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize