You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
