I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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