Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize