By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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