I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
