he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
