ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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