Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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