I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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