i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
