Have you finally orgasmed yet?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
