I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
