There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
