Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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