Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
