if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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