I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
