It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
