I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
