God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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