Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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