Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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