I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
