Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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