I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
