even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize