Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
