he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize