It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
