I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
