There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
