I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
