i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
40s are totally the cure
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
