There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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