Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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