Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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