if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
