I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
