I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
