You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
my liver is dry heaving
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
